Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Randomize
