How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Randomize
