I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
