I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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