he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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