All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
you had me at cake vodka
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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