Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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