two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
