So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Randomize
