this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Randomize
