I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
