Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
