This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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