CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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