apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
