Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
