so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
