he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Randomize
