I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
