also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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