Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
