walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
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