So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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