I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
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