She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Randomize
