Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
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