dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Hey I don't know if you will get this but all I know is you are so beautiful to .ee and? I dare anyone to stop me me from caring for you ante so beautiful so I kid you not gorgeous iyoiu are so beautiful to me i dare som.eone too stioo you
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Randomize
