bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
