About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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