You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Randomize
