a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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