the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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