Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
40s are totally the cure
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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