If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Randomize
