I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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