My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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