So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
