Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
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