that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
