I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
