Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Randomize
