Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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