I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
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