he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
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