i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
