I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Randomize
