So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Randomize
