I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
