Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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