is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Randomize
