its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
