Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Randomize
